Tofu Trouble

Dear Piggy,

I did a terrible thing. I didn't mean to, but I tasted the flesh of your kind and I liked it. I have been in therapy and am working hard on curtailing my urges.

My fiance is also a piggy. Our wedding is next month, but I have not told him about my past or my sinful urges.

Do you think it's possible for a piggy-flesh-eater to truly reform and do you think my fiance will understand and accept my dark urges?

Desperately-Seeking-Flavourful-Tofu

Yarr Flavourful Tofu,

It be hard to resist the flesh of me kind, we even been known to canabalize. I find that ye should embrace most dark urges as they not be as dark as yet think. Had me never embraced me dark urges, I wouldn't be the upstanding pillaring and plundering pirate pig ye see before ye.

If this piggy here really love thee, then he would care as much about your dark urges as a scurvy wench cares about the stench of fish on a customer. I say tell him and tell him proudly. I would continue to eat the pig meself but if you must give up for tofu, that be ye choice.


If this wretch is not accepting of ye, I suggest getting taking these plush versions of the tofu he love so much made by Etsyian SweetNothing and stuffing it down his throat and heading out with his treasure. Love care not bout pig or tofu.

-Pigsey
PigseyArt.Etsy.com

Saturday Night Fever

Dear Pigsey,

I have a neighbor that likes to strip off all his clothes and lay sunbathing nude in his back yard while he sings 70s dance hits (loudly). What should I do?

-Trapped in Naked Disco Hell

Yarr Disco Hell,

This reminds me of a fierce battle between some sirens and me ship one time. They be singing their temptress songs and me gunner, Fussy the Flying Squirrel, says "Fight noise with noise" and let loose a torrential crabbing noise from his gut as only Australian flying squirrels can. He melted those she-witches brains and then ate the jelly within. It be a strange voyage.


Me point being, fight crappy disco with ye heavy metal. I suggest blaring Thunderstruck while wearing this AC/DC top (from Etsyian SugarFoot) and hosting an air guitar contest in ye backyard, with free beer. Continue with more AC/DC hits till ye nekkid disco lover surrenders. Yarr - it be the soundest plan.

-Pigsey

Mother May I

Pigsey,

I am 39 years old and finding that I'm turning into my mother. Not the cool stuff she does, you know like bake and sew quilts... I'm talking the crazy stuff, the guilt trips, the anxiety, the martyr syndrome... how do I make it stop!?!

-SquirrelGirl

Yarr SquirrelGirl,

Yarr - at 39 ye be a wench of fine taste like a finely aged grog. Bitchiness in the form of anxiety, martyrdom and guilt trips is just a sign of ye body saying it's hitting his prime. Don't worry - all wenches go through this transformation and come out a beautiful bitch. Use ye wisdom to force others into ye will - after all that be the American spirit.

Embrace the hypocrisy of the majority of landlubbers - we often dislike what we actually are or turn into. Nice people get walked all over - use ye new wenchy-tude to truly own yourself and just be ye. But try to keep the keelhauling to a minimum. Barnacle be mightly painful.


Remember that nice gals be boring - as this item from Etsyian BadGirlsGoToHell points out Bad Girls go to Hell. And let's face it, Davy Jones locker be where all the fun is.

-Pirate Pigsey
pigseyart.etsy.com

Bare to the Moon

Pigsey,

I just got married about 3 months ago. Recently it has come to my attention that I am only wearing old t-shirts to bed. I have tried to step it up a notch (while we are both still young) and wear something a little more appealing.

Last night I wore said thing to bed and while it was soft and nice, my lady parts kept popping out. How do I handle this and still seem pretty and sweet? Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

~Bare to the moon, OKC

Yarr Bare,

This be a problem many a wench face. Ye have passed the average pirate marriage length of 3 months and things have gotten stale. Pirate Pigsey applauds ye initiative to spice it up and offer these three tips:

1. Wear his clothes - Don't want to seem dull in just a t-shirt? If ye can get over the man musk, Pigsey suggest occasionally letting ye first mate find you sitting on the bed in his wares. Wenches be sexy in pantaloons and pirate shirt or boxers and white collar. Covers ye assets while remaining desirable lass.

2. Tape - I understand these modern starlets tape up their boobies frequently while in fancy dress. Double-sided tape ye bounty to the material and that should help. If you be a busty lass of D or bigger, consider duct tape.

3. Go commando - Need not worry about ye ta-tas when they be free as the salty sea. Just wear a pair of scintillating panties and ye man can have free access to ye like an middle-class American in a Thai Brothel.



Hope this helps ye out some. Also consider offering ye husband this simple card the pirate pigsey makes (mature content when clicked) - then ye hardly worry bout where they fly to.


-Pirate Pigsey
http://pigseyart.etsy.com

Yarrr - Advice for Ye

If it be advice ye be looking for, look no further! I be dishing out the wisdom this pirate pig has acquired over me years at sea.

Who be I? I am Pigsey, the one and only Pirate Pig. Now that I am partially retired from my life at sea, I craft items of interest and dish out advice. I plan to answer ye questions as well as regale ye with me life stories at sea.

If ye need advice on anything, please contact me and I will try me best to advise.

Sometime me crew will help as well. I have a fine crew that sails with me, all sea-worth dogs.... and squirrels and guinea pigs, etc.

Here be me crew:
Captain: Course that be Pigsey
First Mate: Barksley the Dachshund
Gunner: Fussy the Flying Squirrel
Surgeon: Fighty the Flying Squirrel
Boatswain: Squeaky the Guinea Pig
Cook: Bitey the Guinea Pig
Musicians/ Ship Artsy Folk: Shakespeara, Lily of the Sea & Cullen
Crew:
Bailey the Bold
Zoe the Intolerable Wench
Mad Skillz
Jason of Aire
& more than I care to remember

Hope to hear from ye soon.

- Pirate Pigsey

PS Ye can check out me crafts at http://pigseyart.etsy.com